How compatible are we, really?
Search "how compatible are we" and you’ll find calculators that match and compare your birthdays, star signs, even names. They’re fun for a minute. Then come the quizzes that hand you a number out of 100 and nothing else. A number might feel like an answer, but it doesn’t tell you what it means for the life you’re building, or what to do next.
Our view, after years of studying what people want from life, is simple: Compatibility is less about liking the same things and more about wanting the same life.
Why shared hobbies miss the point
Hobbies are easy to compare and easy to share. You both like hiking; you both love old movies. That makes for good Saturdays. But hobbies rarely decide whether you move for a job, whether you have children, or what you do with a bonus. Values decide those things.
A value is something you want from life, and you can measure how much you want it compared with everything else. Two people who love the same music can still want very different lives: One wants roots near family, and the other wants to see what happens in a new city. Nobody is wrong. They are asking life for different things first.
What makes a couple compatible?
Two questions matter more than any others.
Do your values overlap? Not all of them. No couple matches on all sixteen of the values that The Values Bridge™ assessment measures. The question is whether you share enough of what matters most, and whether you understand the differences. Some differences work well: one of you high on a value and one of you low can be exactly how a couple works best, as long as the arrangement is understood rather than resented or ignored.
How is each of you doing? This is the part most compatibility quizzes skip. Two people can share many values and still be unhappy, because one or both of them is living far less of the life they want. A new baby, a long commute, a parent who needs care: A season can pull either of you away from your values for a while. Compatibility is partly about the match, but it also asks whether you both have room to be yourselves.
A better question than "are we compatible?"
"Are we compatible?" asks for a yes or a no. Three better questions to ask: Where do our values meet? Where do they pull apart? How is each of us doing right now? These questions have answers you can use. They tell you what to protect, what to watch, and what to talk about first.
Try this approach over dinner. Answer these separately first, then compare your answers together:
- What do you want more of in the next five years?
- What would you give up to get it?
- When do you feel most like yourself these days, and when least?
For the bigger picture on shared values, read Values in a relationship: what to share, what to talk about.
See where your values meet
Values Bridge for Couples looks at exactly where the two of you meet, on your values rankings and how fully you’re living your individual lives. Each of you takes The Values Bridge™ assessment on your own, then a short intake survey about your life right now. Your report shows how much your values overlap and how fully each of you is living your own, and places you in one of 15 couple archetypes. The archetype describes where two lives sit today, not what the relationship is worth. Your report leaves you with exercises and suggested conversations to start first.